This is a catch-up episode. We’re working through some emotions. Vibe with me.
Overthinking Much?
Outside of so many things going on in my life—depression, moving out of a potentially toxic apartment, being overwhelmed with work, the world crumpling, etc.—this update took forever because I overthought it. Do you ever overthink yourself into a standstill? It’s probably a regular habit for me; one that I’m attempting to break for the first time ever.
I want to update this space more often. I feel like, maybe, if I share as many thoughts around this as possible, as messy as it may look, I’ll be keeping myself accountable in a way. We shall see. Adding the task to my emotional to-do list, alongside what I learn from Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart book and series.
Also, I want to be more precise with my words. I deeply believe in my power and magic, and I sometimes—unfortunately and regrettably,—take it for granted. I want to be more exact with my spoken spells.
I Have To Say This To Someone….
Megan Thee Stallion’s new song “Pressurelicious” is not good. The title, the cover art, her verse, Future’s verse—it’s all so…not enjoyable. Half way through I was bored. I want to mentally erase it from her discography, but in another perspective, every artist (no matter the medium) deserves grace and allowance to have down ebbs along with the flows, you know?
With the title, if I had to keep it, I would have loved a sample of “Fergalicious” with a vibe of Flo Milli’s “PBC” or Kelis’ “Bossy.” More fun, boss bitch vibes.
But whew, it’s def my least fave of hers. I just hope it’s not an indication of her direction for her next album 😬 Listen and let me know what you think!
Speaking of rap music, are ya’ll watching Rap Sh!t from Issa Rae on HBO Max? I am so excited for this show. There’s only two episodes so far and I’m already invested. Plus, Kid Fury is in it 😍 [Sidebar: Kid Fury paused (or ended, we don’t know yet) his podcast The Read a couple of months back due to his mental health so it was nice to see him and hear his voice again, even if filming was months ago and it’s no indication of his mental health now. I just hope he’s getting the help, love, and support he needs right now]
If you’re a fan of Hip-Hop and the current/constant discourse around female rap, you’ll love this series. Here’s a trailer:
We’re All Gonna Die
My deeply personal takeaways:
Anything I said in my podcast above.
For me, the more you learn about people, the more their physicality changes. And I realized [1] I don’t actually know what anyone looks like, including myself *cue in body dysphoria* [2] As Lauren spoke, her facial features shifted continuously throughout the interview. I assume because there really is no starting point for me for her career wise, i.e. whenever I was first introduced to her. She doesn’t do too many interviews so visually her physical image kept shifting to me as she spoke. Now I’m interested in watching how people shift physically as I learn more about them.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she transitioned her life path to being a death doula, in the way Erykah Badu is a doula. Because yes, humans don’t have death etiquette and she seems passionate about that work.
“The front row of a funeral looks different.” Whew! Perspective is so important to remember in any situation, but especially in times of grief.
Shadow work is coming for me soon after, if not overlapping and during, doing this emotional work because it’s something I’ve always feared, but I feel like I’m ready for it now. Not fully, but it’s necessary to get to where I need to go so I don’t have time for hesitation.
Shoutout to Angie Martinez. I’ve been listening to her interviews since I was a kid and her talent, professionalism, and skill to create a meaning conversation within a casual exchange is masterful.
I also don’t want to miss my mark. Whatever my mission is in this world, whatever god has for me to do, I want to do and focus on that only. But I have to figure out what that is and be about it. I do think it has something to do with emotions and community and connecting soulmates to one another (including whoever mine are [part of why I chose to be polyamorous]).
I would love to spend a year [or longer] in an ashram to experience stillness. My ultimate goal in life is to hear and feel silence.
I deeply desire stillness.Ego deaths are real and I wonder when I will be in a place where I’m allowed to experience mine. I understand I’m not meant to rush it, but I’m excited to see what that looks and feels like—for me, for my sexual and platonic relationships, and for my relationship with god.
As a person who may or may not have children, I do think about my major depression disorder and anxiety and acute paranoia and how it would affect my kids. It’s important for kids to see their parents fall, crumble, and get back up again. I would never want to hide my mental health issues from my kids [as long as they’re not a detriment to my kids; everyone deserves honesty and authenticity, how ever ugly it may look.
Dear, You 💌
I wrote a friend a special note recently—a request from one of their friends for a birthday surprise—but my note turned into a lengthy love letter. It’s in alignment with a recent TikTok I saw where the OP explains her idea that friendships can, in fact, be romantic. And as she shared her thoughts and her experiences with her best friend I realized that I have [and desire more] romantic friendships. That’s not to say that the friendship is sexual in nature, but friendships [especially between women, though I’ve experienced this with men as well] can be intense and intimate such as a romance.
So when given the moment to share my unfiltered feelings for a friend I realized my feelings were romantic. That feels…euphoric to admit. I want that for everyone—to have intimate, loving friendships that are romantic and platonic. Did a friend come to mind while reading this? Write them a love letter.
My Books Are Still Packed So…
No goddess in this one, but send a divine feminine being $11 today 🪙
Vol. 9 - You Cannot Shame A Shameless Woman