timestamps: 1:45 - happy mother’s day; 6:50 - tulum trip reigniting my appreciation for intentional friendships; 18:01 - mystika immersive and portals; 27:20 - my people are my mirrors ; 30:18 - a trip down firefly lane (no spoilers); 35:05 - what are you bringing to your unions?; 40:41 - make your friends swoon; 44:05 - cozy game corner; 47:05 - astrology forecast
TW/disclaimers: mother’s day discussion: SKIP 1:45 - 6:50 | please excuse all the sirens (and fireworks???) ya’ll know i live in brooklyn 😭 | fireworks: SKIP 25:00 - 25:45
notes: the pepe soho piece i discuss is titled “manifestation” not “ascension”
an ode to kain carter
[tw: self-harm]
this letter has been a long-time coming. since around 2012, i have considered this letter, email in fact, because kain carter—known on the internet as hotdamnirock—has played a major part in saving myself on more than one occasion.
in college and for a few years after, when i was depressed, struggling to get through classes, going to said classes intoxicated, and contemplating (yet again) how to remove myself from this earth, briefly homeless, in dangerous situations, hotdamnirock was an anchor. i don’t remember how i was introduced to the channel or the first video i watched, but i do remember spending hours upon hours watching his stories—sometimes laughing hysterically, other times staring in silence happy to be comforted by familiar sounds.
over the years, i and thousands of others watched as personal tragedies crashed over his life, again and again. the content shifted—before the word “content” was so engrained into our daily lexicons—towards being much more abstract, spiritual, melancholy, and at times chaotic. the comments section was flooded with wonder, intrigue, and confusion. not once have i ever seen a negative reaction to the shifting landscape of his platform. we saw the digital journey, as much as he would show us, and for that: we were thankful.
it would be a lie to say i wasn’t fearing of his safety for a few years. knowing he was a licensed gun owner (a common prob in his later videos) and how unpredictable his content began to skew, i never wanted to get on the internet and realize no more videos were coming. he had saved me so many times, and yet, i felt helpless to this stranger’s struggles.
all we can do is watch, and i continued to be a loyal spectator in a private club with thousands of other strangers behind dated usernames on accounts that serve this purpose. but it wasn’t done in vain. between businesses, projects, and newer, fresher videos, kain grew and rose, evolving from a boisterous comedian to a sage of this digital space.
so when i opened instagram and on the top of my timeline kain’s voice somberly announced “hotdamnirock is deceased”, my heart sank. i am not above having parasocial relationships, and that moment taught me that. hotdamnirock was hacked, shifting kain to a new channel where he now helps aspiring youtubers build their communities, as he did all those years ago, before every other person on the internet was an expert about it.
my love and admiration for what kain has built and what his channel has done for me over the years cannot be fully crystalized by words in a newsletter. those thoughts and reflections (as with most) will remain in my journal and in my heart. however, as i create digital markers in my timeline, this is one of them.
i can only say: thank you, kain, for sharing your journey.
finally: a new rom-com for the kinksters 😍🍍💋🖤⛓
lately, i’ve been swimming in my submissive energy. i am so full from the conversations i have in my DMs and in discord groups because i LOVE talking about D/s dynamics, mental health in BDSM, polyamory, and making corny jokes about Doms that only subs will understand and appreciate. so when i saw this trailer in the movies, my eyes widened.
no one does romance like kinky people—and that’s a hill i will happily die on—so a romantic comedy with a Dominatrix and her cash piggy who gets a promotion as a reflection of the work their do in their scenes is just—gold, as gold as golden showers some might say.
we need more of this.
in fact, the only BDSM rom-com i can think of (which is also an all-time fave watch) is the 2002 film, the secretary. if you’ve never seen it, please do yourself the favor this weekend.
my gamer group, lofi + gamer vibes, is doing a 30-day gaming challenge to get to know each other and i decided to share on instagram and twitter. the replies have been so fun and the responses from today’s question really got me in my nostalgia bag 😩:
🎮 what’s your earliest memory of video game playing? 🎮
follow and share your memory on instagram or twitter (@bymonathomas) and join our conversations on geneva
cool things around the internet:
university of madison-wisconsin has its writer’s handbook online for free
i discovered philosophy youtuber exurb1a through aoki lee simmons, thee harvard graduate 👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾 , on instagram and i have been overjoyed. join the discord group for readings and discussions.
the married couple behind attu games is currently creating a studio ghibli-inspired cozy game for switch and steam. inspired by slavic folklore, scarlet deer inn, an emotional story-driven game about loss and anxiety, is created with embroidery, giving it a unique design that literally moves the story forward. no release yet, but you can follow the couple’s development on their socials.
there’s a natural flame burning under this waterfall near buffalo, ny. i might have to buy hiking boots for this summer because i have to see it. eternal flame falls
as someone who hasn’t seen a therapist in over six months (i’m looking for a new one, but everyone knows that’s a chore in itself), this personal essay on “therapy burnout” written by melanie whyte is extremely affirming.
private podcast setup:
to set up your subscription on your preferred podcast app, click this link on your phone
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