let people be sad.

and other thoughts about being laid off. happy new year.

i was laid off from my job almost two weeks ago — and i wish i was surprised. an unexpected slack message from three managers above me [on a friday no less] which led to an immediate video call where she and HR almost simultaneously appeared on screen. i knew.

as they regurgitated their well-rehearsed script of sympathies and ran through the next steps to follow, i’m almost certain i blacked out. at some point, i blindly confirmed my email for documentation and my address for them to send me a box to return the company laptop in — the laptop that within minutes after the six-minute phone call, began its “you cannot use me anymore” shutdown procedures. as i ugly cried to my father on the phone, i watched as i got locked out and away from this machine that now felt foreign. if you’ve ever tried to date a woman after she’s already decided she’d moved on and for good, yeah, that was the feeling.

as someone who has made most of my jobs my entire personality [yes, yes, i know, typical], i went out of my way to not do that with this latest position. i prioritized my mental health and sanity when i pivoted from celebrity journalism to advertising. i love editorial, but i don’t know if i would have been able to write another piece about the kardashians or the teenaged children of jon and kate plus eight. i wanted to flex my creativity, but not for the sake of losing my sense of morality to the new god that is entertainment news. and so, branded content. my particular position didn’t exist before i was picked and placed into it, but i figured it out, did my best, but was it enough? should i have made myself essential? am i and my writing no longer essential?

i considered the fact that everyone else on my team had a set topic that they were an expert on and participated in extracurriculars that assisted their writing. the fashion and beauty girlies expertly exemplified their style tastes and can probably off the dome tell you the difference between a retinoid and hyaluronic acid. the culture people covered all things food and beverage and took courses to better their writing in these topics. at some point or another, i wrote it all — entertainment, technology, gaming, travel, astrology, animals, lifestyle, wellness, skincare, mental health, self-help, all the things — and did so with the goal of finding my voice in between each clients’ messaging. should i not have shared my hobbies that didn’t connect with the job? should i have worked harder to make my skill set essential and necessary rather than choosing to cover all the topics that were thrown at me? was i meant to be the catch all for the stories that fell through the cracks? ah, maybe that explains why my position was new and possibly the most expendable.

not making my job my sole priority made me anxious about my efficiency. i did my job, but should i have done more? could i have done it better? despite entering and learning a new industry, working with multiple teams across an unnecessary amount of platforms, having a nervous breakdown because of housing instability, mentally dealing with my father going through cancer treatments, working through internal traumas and my mental health, and desperately trying to not losing my mind in the downward spiral that is this world: should i, could i, have done more? maybe. i’m strong as fuck and i have withstood many difficult things in life, but for some reason, this surprise layoff actually hurt my feelings.

it’s possible that the setback stings because i had plans that involved the company. the organizational aspects of the company sucks — the merger was messy, the leadership is faulty, ryan pauley is a man-child who throws temper tantrums, and the morale of all teams is in the garbage — but the people? those people are some of the most talented creatives i have ever met. working at that company is a crash course in the basic purpose of college: do the work, sure, but if you only do the work, you are wasting the opportunity to make invaluable connections and learn necessary lessons that will not be shared in the next meeting that could have been an email. sitting next to award-winning producers, creative directors, editors, and videographers will have you finishing your (home)work and running over to search for noteworthy names in slack to schedule a 10-minute coffee chat. i can never talk too much shit about the company because the creatives are what make it great, not the leadership. maybe i made my desire to build connections too apparent, it’s all speculation at this point. 

the desire to share my love of community building was going to translate to potentially being an erg lead, because if no one will say it, i will: ergs are failing because no one has the bandwidth to do their job while ignoring that the world is crumbling, take care of their mental health, actively watch their co-workers be laid off, in public and in secret, and still happily congregate via video chats — under the watchful eye of HR of course. why connect with a group of people when a.] the meetings are no longer safe spaces for marginalized groups to speak freely and b.] you have no idea if any of the people you talk to for 30 minutes a week will even be with the company next month? that’s discouraging. i could be a little too idealistic for late-stage capitalism in corporate america, but how can anyone work efficiently and produce their best work when they are struggling to keep their heads above water and can’t even have a comfortable 30-minute break to breathe with the humans they spend 40+ hours a week with? not to mention, since the company is shaky about their position on the current palestinian-israeli conflict, it’s difficult to connect with others who may feel similarly without being nervous of, ta-da, losing your job. maybe it was my many instagram stories in support of the palestinian people, which were viewed by my editor and director every. single. day. should i have been more secretive and even more careful about where my values lie while having a company in my bio? it’s very possible.  

i’m getting away from myself. i’m sad, a little mad, my ego is bruised, but more than anything, i’m disappointed. i believe i could have made a difference, who knows if i did. i wrote beautiful pieces and interviewed incredible souls that i wouldn’t have crossed paths with otherwise. we’re going to circle back on some of those interviews, because the amount of stories and quotes that didn’t make it into published pieces is damn near criminal.

while i remain determined to not let one setback throw me off my divine path, i feel it’s important for me to be sad. in my healing journey, i’m learning the power of grieving. i rarely take time to grieve anything. i move as life continues to move and rarely second guess the consequences of not processing major shifts. it’s just a job, yes, but being laid off made me question my talent, drive, worthiness, career goals and timelines, and a few other things that we’ll talk about on the podcast. even though i have mastered the art of a pivot, stopping and considering the damage a top-of-the-year layoff could have on my psyche (two weeks after my 32nd birthday) wasn’t originally in my plans. what made me realize it was a necessity is the amount of support and love that i was flooded with.

not the job recommendations or the heartfelt “i’ll keep an eye out for you” messages, but the “you’re going to be fine, you always figure it out”, “you have a stacked résumé, you’ll find something else in no time”, and the many “so what are you going to be next?” have i mentioned i lost my job a week ago? 

i am extremely blessed to be in a position where i know i have funds to hold me over until i have a new gig, a support team and partner that refuse to let me fail, opportunities on the horizon, a very good credit card balance that allowed me to buy a new laptop, and the brain to figure out the rest. [not to mention a capricorn stellium with an impressive knowledge of astrology to keep me grounded in the significance of these shifts]. however, a loss is a loss, and a slap in the face feels like a brick to the jaw when it’s unexpected so i want to take time to honor that — so i can properly bounce back and be an active and restored vessel for messages to flow through to my growing communities.  

grieving is new for me. purposefully bed-rotting is new for me. but i know it’s all necessary; allowing the soul to process and slowly shift into a new timeline is necessary. i’m going to figure out my next step, i always do, but instead of hitting the ground running into my next job, me and all the spirits within me, need a minute to breathe and cry and scream “fuck that job, that building was boring anyway” so i can peacefully be ready to show up, and unequivocally show out, with a shiny new title that won’t drain me of my value and leave me questioning my worth.

just in time for the dry january enthusiasts: on thursday, feb 1, i’m hosting a kickback in brooklyn for all media people who need to vent about the current state of our industry. super lowkey, introvert-friendly. come talk your sh*t. 🥃 details here.

digital glimmers ✨laid off edition✨

i watched this a dangerous amount is times, so you prolly should too

new sims 4 cc and mods on the way 🥲

putting our 30’s [especially as an artist] into perspective

Black girls finding inner child healing through gaming = a swoon-worthy read 🥰

do you have a piece of media you’ve read or watched that tickled your heart? comment below and i’ll share with the lazy community!

thank you for being here.

subscribe to the lazy capricorn podcast on spotify + apple podcast 🎧 new episodes posted on sundays

currently being perceived on tiktok + instagram

lazy clubhouse subscribers receive love letters on tuesdays [excited to talk pluto in aquarius with ya’ll 💫], discount codes for all product drops [ask me about the starstruck tarot card 🎴], and other amazing goodies in the snail mail. join the club ☁️

community calls to action + resources.

this section will be updated periodically with cta’s as i find them. power belongs and will return to the people ✊🏾

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follow bisan, plestia, and motaz, journalists sharing daily updates on the reality of living in gaza right now

donate an electronic sim card to keep the people in the gaza strip connected. follow mirna el helbawi for all e-sim info and updates

donate to doctors without borders to support medical professionals helping the palestinian people the best they can with limited medical supplies and resources

watch the nextflix documentary, born in gaza

review a list of documentaries and films to learn more about the history and ethnic cleansing of palestine