don't commit to a second session without asking your new therapist these questions
plus: april cozy game releases you may have missed, just for you, bookie 😘
gentle disclaimer: this post mentions suicide, suicidal ideation, sexual abuse, addiction, and self-harm.
i vaguely remember my first therapy session, but mostly recollect how dismissive the doctor and my mother were. to the best of her abilities, she attempted to follow through with their suggestion of a visual exercise in which i was supposed to draw my emotions. let’s just say, it didn’t go well and that was pretty much the end of that.
in one of the three high schools i attended, i practically lived in the counselor‘s office. between classes or when i didn’t feel like sitting in the cafeteria for lunch or in my free hours, i was in the little office in the corner with the fluorescent lighting that seemed to glow. a safe haven.
the first time i experienced suicidal ideation, i was walking to school and contemplated stepping in front of a speeding car. later that day, i casually mentioned the feeling in a session with my counselor [puerto-rican woman], and she informed me that if it was a serious consideration, she would need to report my saying so. looking back, i appreciate her taking the time to inform me of my rights because while, yes, it is serious for a 16-year-old to contemplate suicide, passive suicidal ideation, in my opinion, does not always warrant the extreme reaction. such responses can result in someone pulling away from ever sharing those thoughts again in a once-believed safe space, allowing them to fester in the mind and force their way to the surface.
we did talk about my feelings, but in a way that made me feel safe and comfortable to share how i got to that point. we then created a safety plan [the first of many] for if/when those thoughts grow less passive and become more active. however, by the time my first attempt to take my own life rolled around, i was in college and many things had occurred between creating my first safety plan and my first attempt. due to divine intervention, my plan didn’t work, and i became more diligent about re-creating a safety plan that was grounded in understanding my place in this world and giving myself a reason to want to be alive.
though i’ve been a practicing witch since childhood — my earliest memory is taking wiccan guidebooks from the adult floor of the local library, and reading them in the lower children’s section — it was during those years that i became committed to my spiritual journey and found solace in many practices and faiths, including, but not limited to: christianity, buddhism, hinduism, and taoism. i’ve studied and practiced multiple faiths to get an understanding of each’s motivations for existing. i read religious texts like textbooks and internalized the basic understandings of each and chose deities that aligned with my developing internal value system.
i discovered that honoring them by dedicating my life to their teachings was a good enough reason to warrant my existence.
anyway, i found my way to a familiar safe haven, my university’s counseling office. i had a standing appointment with one of my favorite mental health professionals to this day [east asian woman]. the only reason we stopped seeing each other was because she went on maternity leave, and it became more difficult to find a counselor i trusted for a while. especially after i took a random session with an unfamiliar counselor [white woman] who irrationally had me committed to my first in-person psychiatric facility—another blog for another day.
i’ve committed my life to holistic health and assisting those whenever i can on their journeys when asked. it’s a passion of mine to devote time and attention to the way i function and understand why people function the way they do. while some may find this unnecessary, i find it to be a strategic survival tactic. it’s also improved my relationship with mental health professionals, allowing me to become an active participant in my healthcare.
after years of being misunderstood and having my words twisted against my benefit, i realized it’s much easier to feel confident in what you say and do when you have an understanding of the contextual reasons for your internal function.
a download from my inner teen: never silence the child that asks, “why?” a million times. they are being guided by curiosity, and in a world that attempts to control what we think without question, being inquisitive is an underappreciated, yet deeply necessary, life skill.
i often tell people that it’s dangerous not to know who you are in this world. it’s a direct path to allowing other people to tell you who you are and write your narrative with their pen. consider the person who says, “that’s just the way i am,” when their behavior is critiqued, or the person who simply responds, “i don’t know,” when asked a question about themselves. i’ve never wanted to be stuck giving that response to anything related to my existence. no one else has to live in this timeline in this body—who better to be an expert on me than me?
on a broader perspective, i exist in this world as a large-bodied, queer, Black-american woman, and each of those realties require deep contemplation and evaluation as standalone truths.
every fat person needs therapy because the world tells us we’re undesirable and need to be fixed, on both micro [family] and macro [mainstream media] levels, starting at a very early age.
every queer person needs therapy because we are told we shouldn’t desire love or be loved in the ways that feel as natural as breathing.
every Black person in america, and i do stress Black americans especially, need therapy because the kidnapping and genocide of our People is stitched into the fabric of every system that moves our everyday lives, and we must live in those systems with ancestral pain running through blood, and behave as if that doesn’t chemically alter our sense of reality.
every woman and femme-presenting person needs therapy because the world mercilessly continues to tell us our bodies do not belong to us, forcing hyper-vigilance and overprotection of these bodies, on micro [in the streets, and hell, in our homes] and macro [the political arena] levels, destroying our nervous systems in the process.
i embody many realities that are constantly on the brink of extermination, and have, since i was born. i don’t have the option or safety net to not take my mental health seriously, since at any moment, if i think of it all for just a second too long, who knows if those ideas will formulate into a plan.
*slow, deep inhale through the nose and an audible exhale from the mouth*
so, with all of that in mind, i’ve generally made it a point to have a mental health professional—therapist, counselor, life coach, you name it, i’ve tried it—in my toolbox of self-preservation.
however, currently i don’t have one, outside of my psychiatrist [Black woman], and am searching for a new guide. this is mostly due to multiple major personal and professional life changes happening at once, but also a highly requested suggestion from my psych. while she does perform the standard risk assessment at the end of our appointments every three months, when it’s time for me to re-up on my anxiety and adhd medications, drugs do not replace long-form introspection, which is [understandably] not part of her job.
as anyone who’s ever searched for a therapist knows, it’s a part-time job in itself finding someone who is: in-network [or has a manageable out-of-pocket rate], available to take new clients, skilled in your specific needs, and has a vibe you can tolerate [dare i say, enjoy] for 45 minutes to an hour once a week.
the truth is finding a long-term therapist is a lot like dating; however, most people don’t treat the therapy search with the same energy they approach their romantic life. most go into sessions and allow the therapist to, essentially, interrogate them into forced comfort over time. i chose to empower myself to view my selection of any medical professional with the same rigor as i do with any relationship in my life. it’s just as, if not more, intimate, and yet we’re guided to treat the interaction as if we’re lying in a paper-thin gown in an unreasonably cold doctor’s office staring at the ceiling, with our legs spread open.
but that shouldn’t be the case [it shouldn’t be the case in general, but that’s an entirely different conversation]. in those first few sessions, you should be dating your therapist, getting to know them just as much as they’re getting to know you. the first session should give you a general idea of who they are and how you’d potentially mesh with them over time.
after seeing so many professionals and having to let go of therapists for a variety of reasons, i’ve created a personal guide for how i begin the intake process to maximize time efficiency. now, it’s a two-way conversation. they ask me questions about my medical history and “what brought you here today?” and i ask them questions about their career and client practices. the first time i asked a therapist questions in return, she said, “i feel like i’m on an interview,” which, yes, you are.
why would i put myself in a vulnerable position without knowing who i’m speaking to first? i wouldn’t walk up to a stranger on the street and begin detailing my sexual abuse and struggles with addiction, so why are we expected to do the same behind a closed door? it’s just such an illogical concept, and i no longer wanted to participate in that structure.
since i’m currently searching for a new therapist, and i’m sure a lot of other people are too, here are a few of the questions i ask when choosing a mental health professional. if it wasn’t made clear, these questions are inspired by years of trial and error, ranging from 1 session to about 9 to 12 months of sessions.
how many clients do you currently have? what’s the average age range of your clients?
have you ever had to stop seeing a client for reasons outside of scheduling conflicts? has a client ever decided to stop seeing you?
loosely, what are your plans for how our first few sessions should go?
do you provide homework and exercises to use between sessions? how do you evaluate if these suggestions have been utilized and are successful in their usage?
what’s your dealbreaker with clients? what’s a boundary you do not tolerate being crossed?
how do you feel about vulgar language? do you mind cursing in session?
are you comfortable discussing bdsm, polyamory, and other diverse relationship dynamics? what’s your professional experience with these topics?
are you caught up on [local and/or national] current events that relate to the demographics i believe i fit into? what’s a news story that you’ve seen recently that stuck with you?
how much weight do you put on astrological transits? if understanding this information assists you in evaluating my thinking, would it be helpful for me to tell you what’s currently happening with the planet’s current stations?
are you comfortable receiving social media posts, via text or email, that further explain my current situations and thought patterns in between sessions to assist in our discussions?
if you find these questions useful, i created a doc for easier access.
in closing, don’t let anyone tell you who you are, and don’t let ANYONE tell you how you should figure out who that is. you are in charge of your narrative and your truth. to quote invictus by william ernest henley, for those who love an affirmation:
i am the master of my fate, i am the captain of my soul.
icymi: april cozy game releases
leila by ubik games
keywords: contemplative meditation, depression, anxiety, introspection, retrospection, nostalgia, childhood trauma, inner child healing, inner teen healing, self-consciousness
early predictions: this game is going to wreck me. i need to brace myself, in a good way, but i will need to inform my next therapist of my love for video games that lead me to hysterical tears. you know, standard girly-pop hobbies.
tiny garden by super rare games
keywords: nostalgia, polly pocket, tamagotchi, gardening, cottagecore, dreamcore, inner child healing, relaxing, puzzles, strategy, creativity
early predictions: the nostalgia of it all is making me forget i don’t like farming sims. that’s a good sign.
blue prince by raw fury
keywords: mystery, strategy, ominous, puzzles, exploration, blackmail, atmospheric, political intrigue, first-person
steam | playstation 5 | xbox series x|s
early predictions: this game wasn’t on my radar, but it was suggested to me by multiple people, so it might be more than i’m initially seeing, and that intrigues me. curious cat over here.
hr simulator by animesme
keywords: personal growth, resource management, life simulation, time management, relaxing, corporate america, funny, strategy, workaholic, satisfying, productivity
early predictions: i feel i’m going to enjoy this a lot. it also makes me think of my little sister, who’s an incredibly hard-working hr professional. so i will be playing sooner rather than later, just so i can tell her i can do her job hehe.
need even more cozy game recommendations? 👀
i love when people ask me to recommend cozy games to them, and now i can with a comprehensive list of every cozy game that caught my attention.
my cozy game tracker has everything you would need to know if a game is right for you: the themes, prices, descriptions, and reviews for those that i’ve completed.
take a glance and feel free to message me directly about any title you’re curious about, especially if it’s marked “completed” or “currently playing,” so we can yap!
that’s all for now.
take care, friend.