brb. [early draft]
attempting to honor the mercury retrograde with fewer words.
i’ll come back to this with much more detail later. blogging my thoughts as i go. so, take my truth and hold space for it while i shake off the burning feelings of disgust, embarrassment, and boiling rage. they’re in line behind my rampant depression so, yeah. you get it.
a month away from 33, i have learned i am an orphan.
both of my biological parents are alive, in happy, stable relationships, and are comfortable in life.
both of these people have added no sense of safety or stability to my existence.
knowing my battles, life-changing life-ending battles, wars won by my hand and the community i’ve carefully cultivated. love, chosen family.
neither have sought my side. they’ve watched in amusement, with their complicit partners in tow. weak. sad really.
i have fought for the life i have, bloodied fingertips gripping onto the edges of life. they watched with not a hint of concern. or care. not even pity.
neither/none of these people care if i live or die — their lives go on. their happiness undisturbed.
my parents are alive, and do not seek my safety nor add to my stability in any sense.
they are people in this world, same as i, but they are not parents. they are parents in title alone.
why do i honor their existence when they can so casually ignore, denounce mine? why honor their lives when they have not added to preserving mine?
i do not have parents. their lives will go on without me,
and as will mine. my heart breaks for all of us within.